German manners expert reveals how pandemic changed etiquette

DW: I interviewed you for the first time back in May 2019, before the pandemic, and you described some of the typical gestures when it came to German manners: for instance, shaking hands. But then came COVID. How did it impact German etiquette in a concrete way?

Linda Kaiser: The pandemic brought to light many rules of [German] etiquette, which were formally taken for granted. Like shaking hands.

Formerly, a typical German encounter or meeting someone consisted of three parts: 1. Looking someone in the eye 2. Greeting someone verbally 3. Shaking hands with someone.

The third element fell away when the pandemic broke out, so it changed the whole dynamic of interaction. The first two elements became all the more important and they remain that way, to some extent.

But now that things have gotten relatively back to normal — the last of the [general] requirements in Germany to wear a mask in public spaces, like buses and trams, for instance, fell away in February — do we just revert to manners pre-pandemic?

Nowadays, people accept it more when others don't wish to shake hands. Even before the pandemic, many people found that custom unpleasant.

And people pick up on these non-verbal cues: They see that the person across from them keeps their hands at their side, or simply places a hand on their heart, for instance. They maintain more physical distance.

Still, I was at a doctor's office a few weeks ago, and he offered his hand to me to shake when he walked into the examining room, which kind of startled me, given the last three years of the pandemic…

To be honest, [even before the pandemic], I always thought it was rather unusual that such a thing occurred in a doctor's office: 'Do I really want to shake hands with someone who just treated another patient with some ailment?'

At least now, we can kindly refuse such a handshake, and it will not appear ungracious.

What about in a personal context? What about hugging, what about kissing on the cheek in Germany — especially these past few weeks and months, when the last restrictions have been lifted?

Of course, some things have returned to normal, especially in areas where people trust each other: things have gotten back to normal faster and more intensively.

But in other spheres, there is a sort of method that has established itself. Questions are asked, like: "How may I greet you?"  "May I hug you?" People sometimes prepare themselves more.

Before the pandemic, you and your colleagues offered courses in "German manners." What about during the pandemic? What did you do?

During the pandemic, I led many video conferences about etiquette theory, in other words: 'Where do manners come from? Why are they important? How do I address or deal with people from a distance, but people with whom I have to interact?'

And now? Are your courses a mix of video and live?

Interacting with each other should be done live. Of course, you can teach courses online — essentials like how to set a table, how to hold your wine glass, how you address someone. But doing that online is very different than when you show someone live how they should eat spaghetti with silverware!

You said that people in Germany may have become more attuned to what manners mean during the pandemic. But, did they also lose touch with certain elements?

People have started to rethink things. They were lost in their own worlds and had to reconsider how to behave.

Young people have had different challenges. They may just entered the workforce when the pandemic hit, or even after, so many are only accustomed to meetings that are held via video. Many are now experts in leading video conferences, but when you meet them in person, they may be shy and reserved.

Also, a lot of younger people are not accustomed to dressing for success: They may have spent the last three years wearing sweatpants for video meetings and are now learning what it means to tie a tie or don business attire.

So, how will the experiences of the past few years impact the future?

During video conferences, for instance, people have had that "divide" of a computer monitor. It suggests a kind of barrier, and when people are sitting at home working, they may feel more protected and feel everything is fine. They may have felt comfortable enough making comments or saying things they normally would not say sitting in a room full of people.

When they now interact with others in person, in work settings, it's not quite so easy.

Also, for those speaking German, video-conferencing quickly led to people using the informal "Du" form of speaking to someone. Now that many are back in offices, the more formal "Sie" form might be more appropriate.

The things we experience in our surroundings are now more intense, but we are also "relearning" forms of behavior as a result. And now that there aren't as many restrictions, like wearing masks, we see each other actually smiling again. We are able to go out again. We can now plan better, and that gives people more of a sense of calm and ease in interacting with one another.

Who knows what the future will bring? There are some basics to manners and etiquette, like saying "please" and "thank you," and saying "hello." Those are things that will never change. But etiquette is also something that is constantly evolving with society, like whether it's appropriate to wear a tie.

Is there anything else you would like to say?

Even when masks were required, we always suggested to people that they should smile anyway because you also express the pleasure a smile suggests through the twinkle in your eye. Mask or no, smiling makes both you and the person across from you feel better.

Also, even though we are all glad that the brunt of the pandemic is over, we shouldn't forget that it was a really, really difficult time, especially for certain areas of the working population, such those working in restaurants who may have lost their jobs, or for front-line employees like doctors and nurses, for instance. For them, many things have still not gotten back to normal.

I think it's important to maintain a sense of solidarity and understanding: because it is human and compassionate and makes life easier for all of us.

Linda Kaiser is a spokeswoman for the Essen-based Deutsche-Knigge-Gesellschaft, a consulting association for all things concerning German etiquette.

Edited by: Stuart Braun