Oktoberfest for dummies

Never, ever call a Bavarian dressed in traditional costume a Seppl (your "average Joe") because any such exclamations like "Hey, look at that Joe Blow" might just get you a bop on the nose - or may at the very least mean the party's over.

Should you have a slip of tongue anyway, the best thing to do is invite the poor guy you've just insulted to a Weisswurst (Bavarian veal sausage). Watch out, though: don't cut the sausage with a knife and fork, but take it in your fingers and zuzel it (suck at it) and you'll score major points with your moody Bavarian.

Auszuzeln (sucking out the sausage) is not considered impolite, but rather, respectful of Bavarian tradition and downright earthy.

Even something to satiate your sweet tooth

Always, always order a Weissbier (wheat beer) and a Brezn (pretzel) to accompany your Weisswurst. And while some actually believe that it tastes better with regular mustard, Bavarians will insist that it needs to be eaten with the sweet kind.

Also, never ask for a Frikadelle (hamburger), but instead, for a Fleischpflanzerl, or even better: a Steckerl-Fisch - a fish on a stick.

For those with a sweet tooth, ask for a Zwetschgendatschi (no, it's not a Dachshund) if you want a piece of plum cake.

Have fun and "O'zapft is!" (The beer keg's been tapped - let the games begin!)